all she wants is somebody to love her. with her eyes full of sly glances and her hands full of quick movements and her smile full of laughter, she feels she is happy enough. her technicolor world is all the brighter for her laughter, and she has never missed the black and white so much before when all has turned grey in the neon lights of her dreams and the perfect person is not her.

all she wants to be is perfect. she wants glitter in her veins and ivory poking out of her body with every turn she makes, with skin pale as the moon or gold as the sun (she's not picky) and eyes full of humor and mystery, bordered by eyeliner and mascara and shadow above a mouth wide with smiles and a jewel with makeup. with a body that's fit to envy and long legs that look leaner when she runs, she wants it so badly she hates the thought of food.

all she wants is too look like beauty personified. she wants the right clothes and the correct shoes and the exact bracelets that she is supposed to have, but she wants to be her own individual self at the same time. a hypocrite? possibly. but when she sees that sweater and that shirt and pairs them together with enough skill, her world is made for that day and so her happiness only lasts as long as she looks cute.

all she wants is to know everything. she wants to speak with eloquence, draw with perfection, play with grace, and know it all. it would be so much easier, she tells herself, to just know it all. force equals mass times acceleration? je ne sais pas. mais, qu'est-ce tu vas faire maintenant? but what are you going to do now? she does not know. she just wants to know.

all she wants is everything, and she knows this, and understands this, and knows she will never have it. the great american dream, she tells herself, is a bowl of spoon fed crap. because that is not what she wants. oh, no. all she wants, really, is quite simple.

all she wants is perfection.

Umm... wow. Me=not being optimistic anymore. I mean, between the bipolarness of today, following by me almost passing out on the band field, to the stress of whether or not he would still be there by the time we got to his school, just...blah.

And the entire conversation was weird. But I knew this was going to happen. Either he would say yes, or he would be all nice and find a creative way to say no. But I thought I would know which it was when I heard it....which didnt happen.

I know, I know, it just means I'm stupid. And blind. But he still wants to go to the dinner? And the afterparty if there is one? But he doesnt want to go to homecoming because dancing is stupid and he doesn't. And after I recounted the major parts of the conversation to Susan and LJ-a girl AND a boy- they both agreed that he doesn't actually like me. The whole 'it's not you, it's the dancing' thing can totally be taken as a gentle let down. And the 'Don't worry. I'll find you another guy to hook you up with.' thing was definitaly a 'I dont like you, please understand' type thing. But.... he sounded so honest.

And argghhhh. Just argghhh. I wish I knew for sure what he was thinking about that. Or I wish that Connie could find out for me. Or Melinda. But he knows they're my friends, so the entire thing of them asking him.... he would know. So I dunno. I'm just going to go to sleep now, and most likely not go to homecoming.

Because yeah, I understand.

I love my friends. I don't know what I'd do without them. ha. be alone? I think not.because that causes me to spaz out.which is bad.

...I don't know what I was going to write about. Homecoming? Probably. and me asking a boy out when I don't even know if the whole plan would work out. Which is the point, but... nevermind.

Man, I love Matthew. He's the greatest guy ever.and when he wears his hair in pigtails, he looks like a chick. but considering i call him and we talk on the phone for about an hour until my mom yells at me...it's the greatest. I don't talk with my female friends for an hour on the phone. And then me and him and rebecca going to the mall and the movies was the best time i had in a long time. maybe in a couple of weeks we can go again... even if this mall sucks horribly. and he told me to call him tomorrow so i can remind him to tell melinda to go to tanyas afterschool. and i will, but...i dunno.

and i hope that the plan works out... but there's so many things that could go wrong. me trying to get myself invited to the dinner with the drummers before homecoming is just the rudest and most retarded thing ever, but i need leverage to get him to agree to come.so maybe kiman doesnt need to know....you know, if he gets all pissy about it, i could talk to him, but only jeff really needs to know.cause hes the 'organizer' of the dinner thing, and i dont know how to talk to him about it without him knowing about the whole mikey thing, and not telling the dline and having them laugh at me.

but it would be the best birthday present in the world... cause homecoming is definitaly the saturday after my bday.and the day after i'll get my permit. heck yesss.<3

oh god. i dont know how this is going to work. i'm scared.

Thanks to Rebecca, I have grown metaphorical balls, and gotten myself (some) courage. And I will use it to the best of my abilities.

And even though my male friend is more of a feminist than me, it's cool. He was going on about how he doesn't call girls hot (except for Gary, and joking around) because it just furthers the image of girls just being a possession, and the person using it isn't actually looking at the girl herself, just what she looks like. Which is cool, but then I realize that I use the word 'hot' a lot, and that's what it means. Their body is hot. And often, it's because I don't know them, but... I dunno.

And the thing is, I don't care about that. Mikey called me hot on Thursday, and it made me feel special, not objectified. And on Friday, evidently Justin was trying to get my attention and it wasn't working, and then Hawk (a freshman) goes 'Hey gorgeous' and I turned around. I am so compliment looking for that I'd turn around to that. It's somewhat embarrassing... but it accomplished the goal, to get my attention. Also proved how conceited I am, but that's another story.

Whatever, right?

This is to... make myself understand, I guess. Maybe.

Ok- last night at our football game, the band played at halftime and then got a break during the third quarter. (yeah, this is where it starts) Candice (kandice?) had her phone and was talking to the drumline, and in this really bored voice talks to the person on the other end and goes, 'I've got somebody here that wants to talk to you' and gives it to Jeff, and I asked her who it was, and she said 'Gordon.' I'm like... dude. She's such a whore, but she has everything. Money, looks, boys... and shes a cheerleader. I want to be her.

Later, Gordon shows up at the game, and the entire dline glues itself to the fence, where Gordon and Candice are. Ok, yeah, I'm jealous for them liking her when she is obviously such a whore, but then I saw Mikey on the opposite set of stairs. Then he walks over to where they are, and they all talk for the rest of the game. Thats when it hit me: he doesn't like me, and he never has. If he had then maybe he'd have just looked for me once, or even said 'hi' to me afterwards. And so I started crying like a baby... how embarassing. And Jossie came up, and we were both crying, and I was trying to explain to her, but of course I cant talk when I'm crying, and I ended up sounding completely retarded.

But see, I dunno. I couldn't process 'gone' because I have the mentality of a four year old. He's not 'gone', I just never saw him. However, I can process 'doesn't care'. When he flirted with me at Vguard, when he said hi to me at WP, I could fool myself into thinking that maybe he liked me a little bit. But when he doesn't care enough to wave to me, or smile at me, or say hi, then I know that I've been fooling myself for a long time.

Not only that, but Justin told me that the dline refers to me as 'the ho'. wtf? I couldn't get a guy to save my life- how in the world am I a whore? I was saying something like that, and Nolan overheard, and I explained the situation to him, and he told me to call them 'f****ts' and I said that I couldn't say that, because it's such a derogatory term, and he said it wasn't a bad word... and I called Kiman that later on because he was being mean to me and I was pissed at him and the dline and Mikey. I don't think he heard me though. Oh well.

Last thing- my sister came into my room, took my pen, and drew all over my things when I was in the shower- my magazine, my list, my bra... wtf?! She got in trouble though. Geez, what a freak.

...yeah, I'll shut up. But there's your answer Shennie. And me- be the reason that he might stay at Vguard? Ha. I wish. =(